trying something new...

So... i have read several blogs that have inspired me to try something new and cut back and then get rid of my soda and to eat healthy b/c i want to finish... a marathon!! i am taking baby steps right now but i am going to change my diet and give up soda... ok i said it now i have to stick to it! i have found my new favorite food... the baby spinach salad! you can do some of the most fantastic things to it and the flavors explode in your mouth! i know that if i even want to loose this weight (about 50lbs) and run a marathon i have to do SOMETHING about the way i eat. plain and simple. i will write more about how i am feeling... which may be a bit crabby for the next few days... but i know it will be worth it in the long run... no pun intended!

Spinach salads, juice and water... here i come!!!!

wow... where to start...

A little update is in order...

My last few blogs have been about the frustration I have been feeling lately. I have felt like I am drowning... Not a good feeling. I have had many conversations with Jay over the 8+ years we have been together about "what I need" and "what he expects". It is an endless conversation as I was only 18 when we met I really didn't even know what I needed from him and it changed every single day for awhile. His expectations have always been over the top, and very hard to except. I love him dearly and want NO ONE else in my life. I will however no longer be held captive by his expectations. I am my own person and he realizes it. So that said... we went on vacation to my Mom's for 10 days... fabulous, relaxing, rejuvenating 10 days. I finally realize that I need me time... almost everyday and that is OK. I realize that "date night" at home is NOT going to cut it any more... Jay and I need to go out just the 2 of us once in a while. I realized that Jay doesnt totally get it and maybe never will but God knows he loves me and he does want the best for me. He is not always sure how to give me what I need... but he is trying like I have never seen before... ever! He does the littlest, nicest things. Says the sweetest things when I least expect and I am "in love" all over again. I couldnt have asked for a better vacation with my family, visiting family. I cant wait to see how the next few weeks go but my suspision is things are going to be okay.

Just like it is...

I told Jay yeseterday just like it is... I talked to him like one of his guy friends would... no emotional baggage just straight up do this or its done. I think he got the message. I dont think it will change over night but I think he got it. He knows that I am UNHAPPY and NOT going to put up with it anymore...

I told him EVERYTIME he spends money on his stuff... I get the exact same amount of money... no questions asked. I told him that I WILL be taking time out for myself regularly and I would let him know what it was I was going to do... plain and simple. I am DONE. I will not put up with the crap anymore. I am tired of feeling forgotten and it is HIS job to make sure I dont... I chose this wonderful, caring, sensitive, honest, honorable, would do anything for anyone man... and then he uses all those qualities up at work and doesnt share them with me... it has to stop. So... I I told him fix it or we are done. Period.

I think he got the message... time will tell...

Cant even put in words

I cant even put in words how I feel today... defeated, let down, ANGRY, sad, frustrated, disappointed... mostly DONE. I am soo sick of putting up with the daily routine of my husband. I cant even begin to let it all out... it would take me years to give all the background but it goes something like this... he is selfish, always wanting wanting for HIS hobbies but there is NEVER enough money for me to have a hobby... I am too busy anyways because he doesnt do ANYTHING except work... Now I know I should be grateful that he does that faithfully but are you kidding me he does NOTHING else!!! It is all my responsiblity because that is my "job". UGH! He treats me like sh*t on the bottom of his shoe most days... get this, do that, you didnt do that right, it wasnt done fast enough, you'll never get that done, did you get to that, why hasnt (blank) been done?, you just had a nice relaxing day so why are you in such a bad mood... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! He COULDNT do my "job" even on his BEST day! I run circles around that man while taking care of HIS children and HIM! I feel like I took on a 5yr old... WTH! I just dont know how much longer I am going to subject myself to the abuse I am receiving... I am so defeated... emotionally numb at this point I cant even cry about it anymore... sad I know... I just dont know what to do... I feel like I have spent 8yrs trying to prove to him that I am NOT his exwife, I am NOT the girl that cheated in HIS bed with other guys, I am ME. I love him, I take care of him, I want to have a life together but right now I am PAYING a HIGH price for it... myself!

I am at the end of my rope... I am not sure whether to fall off and let it be or to tie a knot and hang on for a little longer... I just dont know how much more of his antics I can take.

Why oh why are parties so expensive...

Jaeden's birthday is coming FAST! His actual birthday is Monday the 11th but are doing a small get together on Sat for family and a few really close friends. I have bought the food and decorations... no gifts and already $80!!! Are you kidding me?? Sooo why are they soo expensive and why do we (parents) feel like we MUST buy all this stuff?? Oh well... to see his face today while we picked out the plates, napkins, table cloth, etc was AWESOME!! I did get a 50% and free balloon bouquet for him from PartyTime... pretty nice. My house will be taken over by Wall-E... I actually like Wall-E myself... shhh;) It is going to be fun fun... I am going to get the party prep done on Friday and then Daddy is taking Jaeden to do Build-a Bear on Sat morning so when they get back... voila! He is going to be stoked... I just know it!!! I still cant believe he is going to be 4! It feels like yesterday that he was growing in my belly and I was about ready to pop! Oh time flies...!!!

Its time for me... a small glimmer of hope...

I really need to do something big just for me! I have decided that Jaeden IS going to go to preschool... Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about this. however, I found just the right compromise to the situation by using Gym Inc. He will go to regular preschool and get to do 1 hour of gymnastics 3 times a week!!! I am SOOO excited. So with Jaeden in preschool, Kami all but weaned, and my best friend willing to keep Kami for me in the fall... I AM GOING TO COLLEGE!!! Not full time yet but def. a few classes!!! My husband's support is a little selfish... he says " I want you to go to college so we can make more money" not exactly what I was hoping for but I think when he sees how happy and "in my element" I will be he will support me just to support me... no complaining tho. I will take what I can get right now.

So as far as dealing with everything going on in my life... I decided enough is enough and I HAVE to start speaking my mind... no holding back for fear of hurting Jay's feelings... he would rather the truth. Surprisingly things are better. Not all better but just better.

We go on vacay in 2 weeks and the time in between is CrAzY! I have this week to get Jaeden's party ready then the party on Sat. Mother's Day on Sun. then My baby turns 4 on Mon!!!! Then just 3 days til VACATION!!! WOOHOO!!!

I see a small glimmer of hope...one day at a time.

So I realize

So I realize... I need help.
So I realize... I am not doing as well as I seem.
So I realize... I feel really really lost and low.

I know something has to change for me but I am not sure what or where to start... I need a vacation... like noone to bother me, vacation...

I am officially at a crossroads and I dont think anyone really realizes I am hurting... kinda sad.
just needed to say it out loud... well sorta out loud.